Fragile Heart
by FantineInAFez
Summary: How does Sam react when she wakes up after her night with Lexy? Will she regret it? Will she be able to hold it together? Completely written from Sam's point of view. Sam/Lexy.


**When Lip Service ended after two series we were all left wondering what happened next... and most of all I've thought about how Sam would react when she woke up after spending her night with Lexy. So hey... here you go. This is my attempt of trying to put myself in the mindset of Sam Murray. Excuse the excessive amount of expletives. Set after S2 Ep6. All written from Sam's POV. **

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Breathing. I can hear slow breaths next to me. Asleep. I blink too quickly, what's the point in blinking when I'm in complete darkness? A feathery light pillow, cushioning my head. Her breathing, it's Cat. I blink several more times, my eyes stinging slightly. What the fuck? The past few weeks can't have slipped away that easily. I was in those dazed moments of unequivocal joy, the bliss and the perfect harmony. It's like looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses, nothing is out of place, nothing could be wrong. It dawns on me. Fuck. It's not Cat, of course it isn't Cat. My Cat. Cat's buried in the cold ground because she was fucking that useless bitch. We were fine before Frankie. No. She was over Frankie, she swore to me she was. I believed her, I wanted to believe her more than anything, I just blocked it all out. I always knew when she was thinking about her. I always knew, deep down. That useless bitch. Frankie flounced in and she just couldn't fucking resist ruining it all. It's not good enough that she ruined Cat's life when she broke up with her; damn that messy break up; no, she had to ruin us aswell. Cat wanted it, didn't she? She'd still wanted me when we'd got back from Rio, hadn't she? She'd already been fucking her, deep down I'd always known that. That useless bitch. Had Cat ever really loved me? Was I just a stand-in for her lover who'd deserted her and disappeared for god-knows-how-long? No... She loved me, she must have. We were ready to settle down together. I was the safe, secure option. Clearly she wasn't ready for that. My Cat, my darling Cat. Everything's fucked. Last night. Shit, last night. What the fuck was I doing? I can't turn to look at her, I can't. I should never have done this. What am I saying? Lexy's perfect. She's just... she's just Lexy. Damn. I can feel her hand, it's laying just centimetres away from my back. She'd had it resting on my shoulder, I remember. She was so careful. So gentle. It wasn't like I thought it would be... Lexy's feisty, she's rough. I didn't think she'd be so careful. It felt so good to be touched again, it felt liberating. Her skin so smooth, like silk. Heat. Heavy tension. We were drawn to each other. She didn't take advantage. It's not like I hadn't tried to kiss her before. I hadn't know what I was doing then, it was out of fear and sheer desperation. She could have gone along with it, she could have just let me do it. She knew I didn't really want it then. I'd had Cat by my side for so long, I couldn't sleep alone anymore. I couldn't get to sleep at all. I drank and drank at night until it numbed the constant ache slightly, the most important part of my life was gone and it was killing me. Last night. Lexy's slender hands had been caressing my breasts, so gentle, so aware of my anxiety. Perfume, sensuous and seductive. That scent had engulfed my mind as I'd kissed her neck. Her lips were sweet, with a lingering taste of lager. What had she been doing? Shit. Didn't Tess have that play thing last night? I think I remember her mentioning it, I don't know. My head's fucked. I feel like I've been in the ring with a star boxer. Punches. If I felt like I'd been punched, imagine Ryder. Shit. Ryder. I wonder how he is. I should have listened, damn it, I wish I'd listened. I knew I shouldn't be there, I shouldn't have even been at work. What sort of cop has panic attacks on the job? A shit one. Me. Something Lexy said last night, something about it not being my fault, it _was _my fault. I was his back-up, damn it, he called out for me to help him. He called out for me and I was paralysed by the fear slowly consuming me. It is all my fault. I'm just so fucking stubborn. I needed distracting from Cat and all her shit that came after she was gone, so I went back to work. Now I need distracting from Cat _and _from work. I don't know, is Lexy just a distraction for me? No, the way her touch made me feel was special. She was so gentle as she touched me, caressed me. Her hands careful but dangerous all at once. She made me feel attractive again for that time we were together. Perhaps we just clicked from the first time we met, that gay disco night at Rubies. I hate that place, I'm too old for bars and clubbing. Cat loved it, Cat wanted to go... I'd have done anything to keep Cat happy. A police officer and an A&E doctor, we just got on well from outset. Perhaps I always thought of Lexy like that, maybe I've wanted us to be more than friends since when I was still with Cat. I couldn't have, I was happy with Cat. So happy. We'd only just got back from Rio for God's sake. Frankie swept through our life like a fucking tornado and ripped everything apart. Where is she now, eh? She's pissed off somewhere, God knows, back to New York maybe. For her sake she better stay there, if she steps foot anywhere near me I swear to God I won't be held responsible for what I do. Fuck, I'm a cop... I can't say stuff like that. What sort of cop am I anyway if I managed to put my own team in danger? I can't look at Lexy, if I look at her I think I'll kiss her. Her kiss made me feel safe when I didn't think anything could. She told me to trust her. I want to, oh I want to more than anything else, but how can I trust her when I can't even trust myself? Fuck. I need to get out of this bed, I need to sort myself out. I'm sat on the edge of the bed wondering whether she's awake yet. Sat on the edge of the bed not wanting to move, all the same. My hair's greasy as I run my fingers through it. Damn, I need to look after myself better. I need a shower, I need to clean myself up, I need a break. Fuck this. My legs feel numb, I feel as though I'm floating. My chest is tight, my heart is racing. No. No. No. Fuck. Stop being so pathetic, Sam. Get a hold of yourself. The echo created by the bathroom is making my breathing louder. My chest is getting tighter, restricting my breaths. I need to stop this. My back is against the cold tiles, I'm only just realising that I'm still completely naked. How fucking out of touch must I be if it's taken me all this time to realise I'm stark naked? I can't keep doing this. I just can't. My chest is burning. My head is throbbing, dizziness is slowly creeping in. Just get in the shower Sam, just get in the shower and stop all this. Stop being pathetic. My feet slipping slightly as I step into the shower, I'm not concentrating. I'm fumbling with the temperature dial, the stream of water is burning my skin. The water is so hot there's steam rising from it. Jesus Christ, I need to turn it down. Ice cold now, stealing my breath as it falls onto my skin. I'm turning the dial slightly and the water becomes warmer. Moderate now. My chest feels like something heavy is pressing down on it. I'm reaching almost desperately for the shampoo bottle but it slides through my fingers. This is ridiculous. Get a hold of yourself woman. My legs are buckling under me, not being able to support my weight. No, don't give in. Don't fall. I need to stop being so damn pathetic. My vision is blurred, I assume by tears but I can't even feel if I'm crying. My back is sliding down the tiles and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm weak, I'm so fucking weak. The water is pouring over my hair and face, it's meandering across my skin. It would have been comforting. It should be comforting. My breathing is shallow, the warm water only making it harder for me to catch my breath. I can feel that my dark hair is slick against my skin now, just above my shoulders. I'm clutching my chest. Why? How's that going to help? Each breath is short and raspy. My eyes stinging now, tears filling them uncontrollably and mixing with the warm water. My legs are folded underneath my body, the porcelain of the bath causing my bones to ache. I can hardly feel it. Nothing really hurts anymore. However, my hand is stinging and I'm looking at it with confusion. There's blood on my left hand and I can't for the life of me think how it got there. It's my knuckles, they're stinging as the water runs over them. Fuck. I must have punched the wall. How can I not remember? My head's throbbing, I'm so dizzy. I need to pull myself together. The blood washes off my knuckles and I can see where the skin has split. I'm loosing it, how did I not know I'd done it? My lungs are burning as I fight to get enough air into them. My pathetic breaths are useless. Blood seeping from my knuckles again. I can deal with blood, I'm good with blood, blood doesn't bother me. The blood isn't my issue. My issue is the dizziness, I can feel my body giving up. I'm scared. I'm really scared. My breathing isn't slowing and I can feel my heart pounding, blood surging through my veins. I've got to do something to calm myself. Fuck. I don't know what to do. I'm crap at this. Lexy's the best at calming me down. I can't let her see me like this though, she's probably still asleep in my bed anyway. I've got my fingers placed on my wrist. Why am I trying to take my pulse? I don't have anything to check the time on. Damn. Knowing my pulse isn't going to help this situation. Shit. It's fast. This isn't helping... damn, this is only making me worse. I need Lexy. I can hardly breathe now, my eyes feel heavy. I think I can hear something, I think I can hear Lexy. I don't want her to see me like this. She can't see me like this. I need to feel her touch, I need her to hold me, I need her help. I can't. Damn. She's going to think I'm so stupid. I feel sick. My stomach is so twisted with stress and pressure and nerves. This is all I need right now. I can't. I can definitely hear her voice, that gorgeous Australian accent. She's calling my name. She sounds so far away because of the water still running from the shower and because of my inability to concentrate anymore. My breaths are painfully short now and I'm clutching furiously at my neck and chest, the knuckles of my left hand burning as if I've thrust them into a lit fire. Lexy's calling my name again, the way she says it is beautiful. Damn. What am I even doing? Did I lock the bathroom door? I don't think I did. I don't know. I don't have enough energy to waste it panicking over the damn door. For fuck sake. Perhaps Lexy will just leave me to shower in peace? I'm not showering though. She doesn't know that, the shower's on so she'll think I'm showering... right? How long have I even been in here? My head is heavy. This is the worst I've felt by a long way. I don't know what to do. Now I think I can hear the door creaking open, but I might be wrong. I don't care right now. The water isn't flowing across my body anymore. The air causing the water to dry cold on my skin immediately. Lexy must have turned it off. No. No. No. She can't see me like this. Please. No. I'm crying. I'm fucking crying, sobbing, like a child. I can't look her in the eyes, damn it, I can barely keep my eyes open as I fight to catch my breath.

_**"Sam!"**_

She's right next to me now and through my sobs and desperate, feeble breaths I can hear the worry in her voice. It's strange... Cat never worried about me. Shit. That's unfair. Cat never had reason to worry about me... except my job, but she'd never understood its dangers... not really. Lexy's pulling the shower curtain aside now, I'm tensing up, I'm trying to cling onto any shred of dignity I've got left.

_**"Deep breaths Sam, remember what I told you. Breathe from here."**_

She's perfect. Her cold hand is resting on where my diaphragm is. She's not paying attention to anything except slowing my breathing right down. Her other hand is resting on my shoulder, she's looking straight into my eyes.

_**"Sam, c'mon, breathe deeply for me."**_

She's being so professional, un-phased by the fact I'm a crumpled naked mess lying in my bath. My breathing slowing as Lexy continues to talk to me. My breathing is slowing right down now, my chest still burning. Tears streaming pointlessly from my eyes. Damn. Lexy's going think I'm nuts. She's passing me a towel. I've mustered the energy to take it off her, in my right hand, trying to stop my hands shaking. Fuck sake. I feel ridiculous. She's not going to stick around after this. I don't know if I can bare her knowing how vulnerable I am. Damn it. I don't know if I can bare to be alone.

_**"C'mon, get out the bath. I'll make sure you don't fall."**_

That beautiful accent is hypnotic, relaxing beyond belief. I know I desperately need to do as she says, so I begin to lift up my body weight. My arms are too weak from lack of oxygen, I can't push myself up all the way. My legs are shaking as I try pull myself from the bath. Lexy's hands now hovering close to my body, ready to catch me if I fall. I could easily fall back into the bath, I'm exhausted. I can't. I can't be that weak. I don't give up like that. I can't give up in front of Lexy. I'm drying my legs off and wrapping the towel around my body, as I perch on the edge of the bath. My arms and legs are shaking, still recovering from me fighting for breath. I can't bare to think how I look, what Lexy can see, what she thinks. Damn it. I've ruined this now. I'm a complete state. Fuck sake. I'm crying again. I'm so pathetic. I choke back the tears. I'm not letting them fall in front of Lexy, that's just the final straw. She's passing me a t-shirt and a pair of pants to put on, as I sit down on the edge of my bed again. She's so respectful. She can tell I've never felt so embarrassed. She can tell I hate all this attention. I feel like a child. I feel like I'm being mothered. However, I feel less vulnerable now that I'm covered up a bit, but I still feel stripped of my dignity by letting Lexy see me in such a state. Fuck. I'm so ridiculous. What's happened to me? I used to be invincible. Unflappable. I've never felt so lost in my life. Damn. I haven't felt safe. I haven't been safe alone with myself for weeks now. I hadn't felt safe... until I was in Lexy's arms last night. Lexy made me feel like nothing could hurt me, nothing else mattered. She's sat on the bed next to me now. I want to look at her. I want to look into her beautiful eyes. Hypnotic. I'm scared. I still can't sort my head out enough to know whether I'm doing the right thing. She's got her hand on my shoulder now, I feel so safe, her touch makes my stomach twist itself into knots. My heart is racing again, it's racing with happiness not with fear. Surely I can't do this. Oh God. I can't. What's stopping me? Really, the only thing stopping me is my own thoughts. I could kiss her now, but I don't know if I really can. I'm wrapping my arms around her thin waist, she's wearing a t-shirt, it's too big on her petite frame. I think it must be mine but I can't tell. It feels strange thinking it might be mine, my stomach flutters slightly. Damn, she looks so beautiful. She's touching my knuckles that have started to scab over by now, they're hurting like hell. I can feel them again.

_**"What happened Sam?"**_

She's asking me quietly, concerned, caring. She won't pressure me to answer her. She'll let me stay quiet if I want to. That's what makes being with her so comfortable, she's so relaxed. Okay... so she _is _Australian, what do I expect? I can't help smiling slightly now. It feels strange smiling again, I feel guilty again. Why should I? Cat obviously hadn't thought of me when she was fucking Frankie. Damn. Lexy cares about me. Lexy wants to help me. Lexy wants me to trust her. I want to trust her so much. My head is resting on her shoulder, I feel stupid. I feel ridiculously awkward. My hair is still soaking wet. Shit. She's going to be so pissed off that I'm leaning on her. I've got to apologise. My lips are so dry, I don't think words will part them. Damn this. I'm being stupid again. Sam, get a grip. This is pathetic. I'm looking at her now, her eyes are warm, welcoming. Should I kiss her? Oh, I want to kiss her again. I don't want to seem desperate. I don't want to seem weak. Fuck it, she's seen how weak I am. I'm looking deep into her eyes, I can't kiss her. My mind isn't in the right place. Oh fuck it. To hell with it. Her lips are so soft against my own. She's got her eyes closed, her eyelashes gently fluttering against her skin. I feel a warmth wash over me, a sense of contentment. Her kiss is the best form of comfort I could ask for. She's stopped kissing me. She's looking into my eyes, she's smiling at me. Her arms are tight around my shoulders, hugging me close to her. I've given up resisting now. I just want to be in her arms again. The safety I feel is more important than anything to me right now. I don't care how child-like I seem. Lexy doesn't care how child-like I am. I'm nuzzling her neck like I'm a toddler and she's just allowing me. She's holding me and comforting me. She's perfect. I never want to let go. Nothing else matters again except Lexy. In Lexy's arms... I feel completely safe.

_**"Lexy... I do trust you, y'know that... right?"**_

I don't know if I'd even said the words loud enough for her to hear. My throat is so dry it was a struggle to even manage the volume I had done. I'm guessing she heard me. She's resting her head against mine. I could stay here forever. Nothing else matters whilst I'm in Lexy's embrace. She's my rock. She's my shield from the rest of the world.

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**I'm not planning on writing anymore chapters for this... unless anyone really wants me to. So if you want me to do more, leave me a review. Or leave me a review anyway. Thanks for reading. X**


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